The Heavenly Portal

(Vol. 12 | Spring 2025 - Cowley Alumni)

I hate to drag you into this but after millennia of hearing the rumors and cockeyed concoctions of people on planet Earth; I decided it was time to set the record straight. Join me now as I interview the newbies who’ve been granted access to heaven due to His Grace, my boss.

            It’s a Monday, and like every other job, there’s a mountain of work that seems to pile up over the weekend. My job is 24/7 so even though I don’t need or take breaks from my duties, there is an ebb and flow of entrants who die on a daily basis. I’ve noticed a pattern over these past thousands of years; I’m smart like that. It seems whenever the moon is full there is an uptick in the quantity and a decrease in the quality. Seems the moon has an ill effect on the mentality of folks who do some of the dumbest things imaginable. Hence, they show up here with surprised looks on their faces. I sit at small desk with a large book with fine print, not far from the entry portal. There are names already for me to read as soon as a person crosses over. My job is perfunctory as they are going to heaven regardless. I know many think certain people have the inside track on getting here, but that isn’t the case. It’s a peaceful place as you might imagine. You might hear music from time to time and see the path used to enter, but it’s just me out here to receive all the people who have passed, crossed over, kicked the bucket, bought the farm, ad hominem.

            I start with asking their name and other pertinent information. They expect it even though the boss says let them in. It gives me a chance to see them squeeze their sphincter muscles when I ask them about their deepest, darkest secrets. To wit:

            “Next. Full name, please.”

            “Uh…are you Saint Peter?”

            “Good guess. Full name, please.”

            “Uh…Jeremey Nathanial Dugby”

            “I see here, that you’ve been a naughty, naughty boy, Jeremey. Care to explain?”

            “Well…I didn’t know she was under 16, and I didn’t expect her Dad to be waiting for me in the garage when we got home late after the dance.”

            “I’ll get to him later, son. Do you have anything else you wish to declare?”

            “Well…uh…I’m ashamed of a lot of the things I did. I can’t believe that SOB…oh…sorry, that her father shot me!”

            “You’ll have plenty of time to think about it. And yes, you have what I refer to as a short list that doesn’t describe your best qualities. You’re not perfect, but none of you are. I’ve seen worse.”

            “You have? Well…uh…that’s something right there, ain’t it?

            “Yeah. Good for you to think of that. I’d like to stay and talk, but you know, I’m busy. So why don’t you go on in through those pearly gates over there.”

            “Wow! I never dreamt those were real,” he said, sauntering off on the white marble pathway.

            “Next. Full name, please.”

            “Raymond Excalibur Arthur the Third.”

            “Oh..nice. There has to be a nickname in there somewhere. What did your friends call you?”

            “Trey.”

            “Well, Trey, you seemed to have run out of luck, but on the other side, so to speak, you’re here.”

            “I’m sorry.”

            “No need to be sorry, Trey. Your antics caused your arrival here. Did you not think there might be consequences for your actions?”

            “I didn’t think…this would happen.”

            “How many times have I heard that before? When you go 90 miles per hour on a slick wet road, you’re no longer in control, son. Follow the nice, slow path through those pearly gates over there.”

            “Yes sir. Sir?”

            “Yes, what is it”?

            “Are you Saint Peter, sir?”

            “Good guess. Next. Full name, please.”

            “Brandy Anne Dupont… Is this like, heaven?”

            “Good guess. Now, Brandy, I see you arrived here at about the same time as Raymond

Excalibur Arthur the Third. Any connection between you two?”

            “As a matter of fact…”

            “Thought so. You could have warned him to slow down but you didn’t did you?”

            “Well, you know, we were like trying to out run, you know, a state trooper. There was like, you know, beer in the car and, you know, we couldn’t be caught with that, or like, we’d be like be thrown in, you know, jail.”

            “You weren’t the first to try, young lady. It’s a shame that your parents are going to live the rest of their lives without you. Seventeen is a pretty young age to make the tragic mistake that you and Raymond made.”

            “Yes, sir.” Brandy’s eyes would have shown tears if she’d have still been human form.

            “Alright then, you’ve suffered your share. Follow the path to those pearly gates over there. Next please. Full name please.”

            “What am I doing here?!” came the voice from a sixtyish-looking spirit with salt and pepper hair.

            “I don’t get asked that question too often, my friend. It’s usually relief. Did you have some other place you’d rather be?”

            “Yes! I was about to beat Harvey Campbell in the Illinois State Chess Championship! He’s been the state champion for four years in a row. I had laid the Magnus Smith trap for him and he was thinking about his move, I could tell. My heart was racing as I was praying for him to take the bait. Just as I saw him pick up his King and head for my Bishop…the next thing I know I’m here!”

            “Sounds like the excitement got the better of you. Your heart gave out on you …Full name please.”

            “Is this place what I think it is?”

            “Good guess. Full name please.”

            “Well, I can’t be here, that would mean my wife, Myrna, will have to fend for herself. She can’t do that. She has been dependent on me nearly all her life. She’ll be lost without me. Isn’t there a way to go back?”

            “Sorry, I have no control over whether you return or not. I still don’t know your name. Full name please.”

            “Conrad Aloysius Albright. How long will I be here?”

            “Forever, Conrad. Your wife will most likely have a relative or family member take her under their wing.”

            “Oh God, please.”

            “I’m sure He heard you, Conrad. Follow that white marble path over there, ok?”

            “Oh, Myna, I’m so sorry to leave you like this.” Conrad folded his hands in prayer as he walked.

            “Next. Full name, please.”

            “Matilda May Beaumont Richardson.”

            “You’re wearing the most contented facial expression I’ve seen in a while. You’ve waited a long time for this haven’t you, Matilda?”

            “All my friends call me May. Never did like Matilda. Beaumont was my first husband’s last name, God rest his soul, and Richardson was my last husband’s name, God rest his soul, too.”

            “Yes, May. I see they are already here. But you held on for quite some time didn’t you? Was there something keeping you going?”

            “Yes, my granddaughter was about to give birth to my first great-grandson and I sure didn’t want to give up until I’d had a chance to hold him and look at his sweet cherub face.”

            “I don’t blame you one bit. You’re a shining example of: as one leaves, one arrives to take their place. You’re going to like it here, May. Follow the path over there to the pearly gates.”

            “Oh, I am so looking forward to this. Thank you ever so much for your kind generosity.”

            “It wasn’t me, May. His Grace is in control of whom, when and where.”

            “Am I going to see angels?”

            “You surely are, May. They may not look like what you’ve been told, but they’re angels anywho.”

            “You’ve been so nice…I didn’t catch your name?”

            “Did you think I’d be wearing a white beard, with bushy eyebrows, and a head full of hair?”

            “Well, I saw the book and immediately thought you must be Saint Peter, but you don’t look anything like I envisioned.”

            “I surprise a lot of spirits with my youthful looks. Even though I’ve been doing this a long, long, long time, I have been blessed to work for a guy who knows how to make one happy. I’m sure you’ll be happy here, too, May. I’d love to chat with you some more, but you see the line getting larger behind you? More than enough to keep me busy for the next three years. Take your time following the path to those pearly gates over there, May. There’s lots to see and do. Don’t miss anything.”

            So there you go. A glimpse of what heaven is really like. I’m privileged to be chosen for this job. It’s never boring, even though the next person’s passing is similar to someone else’s; no two are ever alike. Thanks for stopping by and I hope it’s a long time before I have to see you.